I have been looking for something, for quite a while. I have searched near and far, high and low; But what I am looking for, I still do not know. While I can feel its presence growing stronger and stronger, yet I find myself continuing to wander.
Am I going crazy, am I losing my damn mind? What is this thing I strongly feel the need to find? How much adversity can one man take? Will I ever catch a fucking break? As all these thoughts bombard my mind, I know that it’s up to me to find.
I have prayed for miracles, ‘God show me a sign’; Yet as it continues to elude me, I still feel so blind. I have followed my religious teachings, rarely missed a Sunday preaching. Why must I face all this anguish and strife? Isn’t there supposed to be much more in life?
Why the hell do I look so hard anyway? No matter how hard I look, how hard I try, each day turns out the same way. I feel so close to having all in my life that I need. What I want the most is to be free. Freed from the life that keeps me ‘stuck’. This searching is getting old, I sure could use some luck.
Deep down I know there is more to life, there just has to be. If for no other reason, I am the only me! I have looked for answers from everyone else, all the while avoiding looking inside myself. What is this thing, this answer that I need? Hurry up dammit, I got mouths to feed.
Deep down, I know that I am supposed to help others, yet as this thing eludes me, I continue to feel smothered. Where have I gone wrong, why is nothing in life going my way? Could it be that it is my EGO that is making me pay?
I have heard wise mean say that EGO stands for ‘Edging God Out’. But I’m not like the others-this does not apply to me, I have no doubt! I always ‘make things happen’, I achieve all of my goals. In my day to day life, I perform well in each of my roles. Even when I am having a bad day, I am so good at hiding it, no one would know anyway.
Every day I tell myself ‘I got this shit because I am at the wheel’. Yet deep down inside, that is not how I feel. I put on my different masks of identity each and every day. To every person in my life, I know exactly what to say. ‘God, why is this happening’ I continue to pray. Lord, will things ever really be ok?
I’ve searched my whole life for this thing I cannot name. To die without finding it would be an eternal shame. I have looked to the heavens, prayed to God above, ‘All I need is your amazing Love’.
What are you? Why do you continue to hide from me? PLEASE give me a sign, give me something I can see. Give me some hope, maybe something I can see or touch. In all of my life, I have never needed something so much! I’m growing weary from looking, I am sick of how I feel! Is this all an illusion, God are you even real?
I have prayed, am always nice, and I’ve even gone to church. Am I under some kind of fucking curse? I have looked EVERYWHERE for you, I’ve searched both far and wide. But all the sudden I hear the question ‘Why have you not looked inside’? This makes no sense, how could you be inside of me? And frankly, it seems impossible to see.
As the old saying goes, ‘Seeing is not always believing’. Sometimes I have to just trust deep down what I am feeling. For me to find what I want, what it is that I need, I know that I can no longer rely on anyone else. The rest of this road is the most important, and I now know that I must walk it alone, by myself.
It is time to just let go, to stop trying. It is time to heal myself through crying. No more searching near and far, ‘the answer you need, is right where you are’! I must make time daily to write down my gratitude. Every morning when I pick out my clothes, I must also choose a positive attitude.
If nothing else is working, why not try something new? Has all you have ever wanted or needed been right inside of you? Go into your ‘house’, make sure to close the ‘door’. It is here you will find what you seek, but only you can see it before.
Everything that I have wanted and looked so hard to find, it’s always been there, right inside of my mind. No more need to search, I am finally free. To have everything I have ever needed or wanted, I just have to be Me!